Mario

When I was younger I had a Mastersystem, in my area a SNES was a baby's toy and the Megadrive (Genesis) was the shit. Sonic ruled over mario, and so I was pretty much a SEGA fanboy until the Playstation came out. However now I own a Wii (my second nintendo consle I owned, I got a Gamecube just because of the Resident Evil remake) I've been playing more mario games, and so I've pulled out an emulator, and played through the old mario games right from Donkey Kong onwards.

The first point I'd like to make is that Mario is one cruel motherfucker, first of all he's an incarnation of Stalin (see http://nedmartin.org/amused/communist-mario). Think about it. The turtles and goombas don't seem to be doing anything, well threatening... All they are doing is moving up and down, and the green turtles fall of cliffs anyway. Then Mario comes along and crushes them to death with his weight, the fat fuck.

However my main point about Mario is one that has been talked about the most, the connotation with drugs. So I've devised a story that proves that there are only three true Mario games.

So we start back in Mario’s youth, unlike his brother Luigi (who is a plumber) Mario is a carpenter with a whore bitch called Pauline. However one day an escaped gorilla by the name of Donkey Kong steels your whore-bitch because she is a very attractive woman, and who wouldn't want her. Unfortunately he's also climbed the skyscraper you were helping to build, and now you must dodge the barrels, or smash them with hammers you find along the way. Once Mario catches Donkey Kong, he not only must work for free to fix the damage done to the skyscraper, but law suits by animal rights protesters have been given against Mario too, especially from the cruelty to Diddy Kong in Donkey Kong 2.

So we now move on several years. Mario and Luigi are now plumbers, and have been asked to investigate the pipes underneath the city. However it seems that all the turtles, crabs etc flushed down the toilets have been mutated by the sheer amount of waste dumped down here, and have become giant vicious killing machines!! Trapped down there, Luigi and Mario must fight for their lives!

Several weeks/month later despite Mario and his brother being compensated by the city council for damages, Pauline breaks up with Mario, and leaves him for this punk nicknamed Bowser. annoyed that Luigi still has his rocky, yet existent relationship with Daisy Mario decides to do mushrooms to cheer him up. This creates a mushroom induced hallucination, creating a world in which he can be a hero, this way he feels that Peach (Pauline) has been kidnapped by Bowser an evil dragon/turtle archetype. Other enemies such as koopas (turtles) are reminiscent of their horrors of the city sewers; other mushroom related visions are to do with the drug he has taken. In this world he can live happily with the mushroom version of Pauline, and rescue her from a much stronger Bowser, in which in real life, his unhealthy form could never do.

Afterwards, Mario gets so addicted to Mushroom, that soon he makes the family business go bust, and Mario and Luigi end up becoming turnip pickers. Both depressed and their lives, Luigi, Mario, Daisy, and their short immigrant friend they met turnip picking all decide to do mushrooms, most of the Mushroom Kingdom becomes turnip related instead of plumbing related, and Daisy becomes a princess by the name of peach (possibly because Mario has become obsessed with his fictional incarnation of Pauline, and thus the name, figure etc has imprinted on her mind, thus another mushroom induced adventure begins.

Eventually Mario and Luigi give one more shot at becoming plumbers, to get them through the depressing hard start up phase of their business he does his favourite drug. Most of the other "cannon" Mario games are just drug induced hallucinations, especially when later on the plumbing business goes so well, they can afford to do more and more shrooms, eventually Mario opens a popular toy store, the toy store is an even greater success, because they toys he makes and invents are so crazy, and cute because they are all inspired by the creations made during his hallucinations.

So there you have it, the only three REAL Mario games are Donkey Kong 1 & 2, and Mario Bros.